rs-forever's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sad. I am pissed off that people that don't even care about me call up my parents to ask them when Ryan and I are getting married. This includes cousins, cousins of cousin and families that my siblings have been married to. Some of them do not want to tell their daughters about Ryan and I, for the fear of their own daughters marrying outside the community. I cannot wait. I really cannot wait until these very daughters are exposed to the public school system and come across ALL kinds of people, drugs and teenage pregnancies. I wonder if the parents will conceal those facts from their children, and if they will, how will they? I am just extremely pissed off. Even with my Mom for telling me this and making me upset. I'd rather not know all these negative things because: 1. They make me feel pressurized to get married. I do want to get married to Ryan very very much. But I don't want to be talking about marriage constantly with him and hence make him feel pressurized. I think we will get married on the spur of the moment at some point. I don't want anybody, NONE of my family around, not even my parents around for it. Because they do not care about me more than god forsaken tradition either. If they DID really care about me, then they would have confronted me about the destructive relationship I was in the past directly. They would have spoken to me rationally about it, than pretend they did not know. Consequently, I would have been less involved in trying to conceal the relationship from my parents and actually seen it for what it was. A destructive, very emotionally abusive relationship. But I can imagine my mother wanting to play a cat and mouse game with me and wanting to catch me in the act. My father of course is steerable this way or that and thus can be very easily manipulated. I don't blame my mother either. She gets too involved in these crazy mind games that she cannot think straight. I grew up hearing her wanting to kill herself because she hated her husband and her children so much. Now I cannot bring myself to forgive her, even if everything is calm superficially. And these new marriage games she is playing with me make me very upset. I feel like she intentionally wants to hurt me. I know I may be wrong, but I cannot help but feel this way. I honestly do not feel loved by my parents. I think I am too much trouble for them, and they would have been better off without me. They do some things for me, because they are supposed to. But I don't think they love me. Yes I am a little sad, but I am a little sad about this all the time. Poor Ryan tries to keep me happy all the time. If he found out I am sad, it would make him very sad. So I will stop being sad about this and think about other things. 3:17 p.m. - 2010-02-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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