rs-forever's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage and suchlike I think I must be complaining now, but I hope something works out on the job front. I saw some jobs on craigslist even, and applied to them. Honestly, I am scared of anything craigslist. There was some stupid computer technician job. Ofcourse I can be a computer technician. I can be so much more than that. But... would I be comfortable facing the monitor in a stranger's house and leave myself open to an attack? I wish I had spikes on my back or something. I heard on NPR that the first dinosaurs had orange and white feathers on their backs. Is that cute? :) Sunny from Bombay called yesterday. He said he was lonely, and life was so much better off in India. I told him I liked life here, and I was completely happy. He said that was only because of Ryan. I am a little afraid, that may be true. Wherever I may be with him, I will be happy. Now does that not sound hypocritical, after I gave him such a difficult time in August 2009, when we were moving apartments? Every place was not good enough. Not big enough. Not enough windows. Until he very gently (that is Ryan!) reminded me how small our house was in Bombay. Ofcourse this was the most inappropriate thing for him to tell me at that time, but turned out to that I really needed to be reminded of that. Each morning, I go to see him off to work. Today as he was fastening his seat belt, I was reminded of this other colleague of him we met who had a back brace on to carry his (extra) heavy baby. The seatbelt reminded me of the brace and hence a baby. I thought that Ryan would be the most perfect father ever. I know he will be. He is already a good Papa to Kitty, though that is not a real measure, I understand. Consequently I will not be a bad mother if I am a mean Mama to Kitty. Because he can be so annoying if he wants to. After the first alarm goes off, the Kitty alarm takes over. Constant. There is no snooze option. I have pushed him off the bed so often but he continues to meow from wherever he may be, and eventually jumps right back up. For the time that we were in Kansas, because he had his food out all the time, he overate. So he was all mellow when we got back, after finishing off his complain meowing - you guys, where did you go? Why did you leave me? And who knows what in cat language! Now finally four days later he is back to his normal self :) Kansas was not bad. My brother's wife ended up liking Ryan. Did I not predict that would happen? They only need to meet first. Her and my parents individually asked Ryan about our wedding. This was getting to me a little, but they had warned me. I asked Ryan later if that annoyed him, and he said he just found it strange that they did not ask him if we wanted to get married before asking when and where we want to get married. And they did not give him a hard enough time about treating their daughter well. I feel the same sometimes. I feel like I am being sold short. Who cares about who I marry, as long as I marry. Who cares if I am happy later or not, as long as I stay married. Not once did they ask me if everything was working out alright between us. If he treats me well. Luckily everything is working out like a dream. And luckily he treats me like a Queen. And luckily we both are happy. And luckily we both want to be married to each other. So their questions don't even matter. But they still bother me, even when I completely understand where they come from. But it somehow takes the fun away from being married. Because I feel pressurized. The same feeling I would have if I stayed out too late (eight O clock) at night in Bombay, even if I were doing something harmless like getting pictures, I would feel all anxious and jittery and want to get back home as soon as possible, or my cell phone would ring and my Dad would ask "where are you" in an annoyed voice. Not because they are worried about me, because Bombay is the safest place, but just to exercise some control over me. And I would keep not letting them have any control over me, even on smaller things, because I would feel like they would keep wanting to control me more and more, until it would mean not going for my Masters', or getting into an arranged marriage, or who knows what. Maybe they were just worried about me, in which case they would sound concerned, and not annoyed. I value my freedom a lot. The freedom to be able to go just where ever I want to, whenever I want to. The ability to have worked late into the morning in the lab at school. The freedom to dress how I want to, which is always conservative anyway! The freedom to wear make-up without wondering what my Mom would think. So I think they want to control my marriage now. And I know Dad is probably being nice in offering to pay for our wedding. But I think that is just to pressurize us some more. We will pay for our own wedding, when we get married, when the time comes for us to get married. Lets get this clear that neither of us does not want to be in a wedding. But there are things to sort out before that. Ryan has to put his thesis behind him, I need to find a job, so nobody thinks I married Ryan for a visa status. Although sometimes I wish we did marry and get my green card in place. I would not find it so difficult to find a job then. People would probably think I married him for a green card, but we can let them think whatever they like. But this is for Ryan to suggest, no? I should probably get back to reading my Verilog HDL book in case I have an interview! Bye Bye! 8:50 a.m. - 2010-01-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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